Six-Foot Turkeys
by Ronnie R15
Summary: A little something on velociraptor intelligence.


Well guys here's another one shot I did and I finished it on Christmas day. So I guess you can think of this as my Christmas gift to you all. Also, please remember to review and happy holidays!

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><p><span><strong>Six-Foot Turkeys<strong>

In a dark auditorium in a university was a presentation. Many more students and teachers were there than the usual presentation though. This was because of the one giving the presentation. Ironically though this only served to annoy the presenter since he learned that large crowds at his presentations meant that most of the people there didn't really care about his presentation. They only cared about the worst mistake of his life.

"So you're telling me you wouldn't go back to Isla Nublar even to study the Microraptors?" Asked someone in the crowd.

"No." Dr. Alan Grant quickly answered rubbing the side of his head in annoyance.

"But it could help prove that birds evolved from dinosaurs!" Someone from the crowd shouted.

"That's pretty much been proven now!" Alan shouts. "Now can I please get back to my speech about velociraptors?"

"Can't we instead hear about the San Diego incident?" Moaned another listener.

"For the last time people I wasn't apart of that!" Alan said raising his voice. "Now as I was saying, all my theories about raptor intelligence, what they were capable of, weren't even close, they were smart, they were smarter than dolphins or whales, they were even smarter than primates!" Dr. Grant said returning to his presentation.

_Meanwhile At Isla Nublar_

A large gathering of velociraptors was in process. Several different packs from around the Island were coming together. All of the raptors were screeching, chirping and barking at each other in what could only be described as excitement. In the center of the large group of dinosaurs was a far older raptor holding a can of Barbasol shaving cream. The elder velociraptor then stood in front of a large boulder took and slammed the can of shaving cream on top of a human skull with glasses.

"I will have order in this gathering!" The elder raptor shouted; in his own tongue, with a commanding voice.

Instantly every raptor stopped talking and turned to look at the elder. The only sound that could be heard then was the chirping of crickets and the ribbiting of a toad, carefully held by a raptor. The elder continued to glare at everyone until he was sure that his command was being obeyed.

"Today we have all gathered here to celebrate one of the holiest of holy days the Opening The Door Day!" The elder raptor shouted. "But first we shall recount how it all began."

Several velociraptors groaned in both disappointment and annoyance. "Do we have to High Priest Clarence?" One asked.

"Yes we do!" High Priest Clarence yelled. "Now next word I hear from you all in this gathering better be a hamon'd or you're out!"

"Hamon'd." Several raptors say in both agreement and submission.

"Okay." Says the same raptor from before.

Clarence in response to this simply grabbed the skull of Dennis Nedry, previously used as a sound block. The skull was then thrown at the other raptor. The skull of Dennis hit its target and bounced off.

Snapping his fingers Clarence pointed in a random direction away from the large group. "Get out." Clarence said.

"Waaah!" Shouted the now crying raptor as he ran away as other raptors threw things at him. "I'm sorry!"

"Now where was I?" The raptor priest Clarence asked himself as he tapped his chin. "Oh yes now I remember, I the begin there was a bunch of stuff we don't know how or where it came from but then came the John Hammond."

"Hamon'd." Several raptors said.

"Then one day the god John Hammond pricked his finger and from his blood Mr. DNA was born!" Yelled the High Priest so all could hear about their patron god. "And, then years later he had sex with a frog!"

"Hamon'd!" Shouted several raptors.

"Oh boy here comes the best part!" Happily yelled a young raptor that was jumping up and down in joy.

High Priest Clarence quickly turned to face the young raptor and shouted. "Kaisen what did I say earlier?"

"You only want to hear hamon'd from us?" Kaisen said.

"Very good you're learning and because I like you so much you may stay." Clarence said while patting the head of Kaisen. "Now where was I?" The priest said holding his chin.

"Ooo ooo!" Shouted another raptor raising his had in the air.

Whirling around Clarence turned to face the other raptor and pointed at him. "Yes Crichton!" Said Clarence.

"You were at the part where Mr. DNA banged a frog." Crichton said answering Clarence's question.

"Oh right, thank you Crichton." Clarence said. "Naturally this led to there being many eggs being laid which eventually hatched and thus the dinosaurs were born."

"Hamon'd." The raptors said getting bored of repeating themselves.

"However, Mr. DNA some how offended another god the Wu, who cursed Mr. DNA to only have daughters." Clarence continued.

"But where did the boy dinosaurs come from?" Asked a young raptor.

"I'm getting to that little one, it's all thanks to our great mother the frog." Clarence answered. "She blessed her children with the ability to change their gender and thus life found away and our ancestors one upped a god."

"How do we change gender?" The young raptor asked.

"Good question and nobody knows the answer, but what is know is about half of the population grew testicles and days later balls were dropped." Clarence answered the young raptor again.

"Then we discovered blue balls!" Another raptor shouted.

With a snap of his fingers Clarence pointed at the raptor. "Dinobot remove him!"

"At last, an end to the boredom!" Dinobot said as he dragged the other raptor.

"No!" Shouted the struggling raptor. "Don't you all remember what he did to his first clone?"

"Quiet you!" Dinobot yelled at the raptor he was dragging away.

Quietly watching Dinobot drag the other raptor away until they were gone. "Now as I was saying this is how we came to be." The raptor priest said. "Thus leading us to now were we shall try to devour all the men so women inherits the world!"

"But we haven't eaten a man in years." Someone said.

"Of course not there's no way of the Island, we have to wait for them to come to us." Clarence told them. "Instead we spared no expense in providing a great substitute of iguanodon, triceratops and other things we brutally killed."

"I call the iguanodon hams!" Shouted out one raptor as he bolted forward.

Just as quickly though the velociraptor was stopped, feeling a tugging sensation on his tail before getting pulled back. "Uh uh uh, you didn't say the magic word." Clarence said facing him.

"But you said…" The raptor began.

"I said that we had it, not that we can eat it yet." Clarence said cutting the velociraptor off. "Now where is the feast it should have been here a while ago?"

At that moment a raptor came running. She only stopped once she was in the center of the large group. In her arms she carried a very odd object. At first Clarence thought it was some sort of black stick or a small piece of one of the park's fences but it's odd shape was to different to be that.

"Hey guys look at what I found in one of those old man made caves!" She shouted while she waved the object in the air. "When I stick my claw in this hole and pull it the metal stick roars and puts holes in things!"

"Clever girl!" High Priest Clarence said clearly excited. "Oracle of The Big One please consult with our great aunt the toad to see what we should do with this great discovery."

"Very well." The Oracle said before licking the toad she was carrying, causing her pupils to dilate. "In the future we shall befriend the Star Lord Christopher Pratt and do battle against a horrible abomination."

Clarence simply nodded his head as he heard this and shout out. "Praise the Pratt!"

"Praise the Pratt!" Most of the other raptors yelled now joining in.

"But what about the roaring spitting sticks?" One said.

"I said praise the Pratt!" Clarence roared.

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><p>Clarence is named after a raptor from the book <span>Jurassic Park<span>, while Kaisen is named after the man who discovered velociraptors, Crichton was named after the author of Jurassic Park Michael Crichton and Dinobot is a character from the tv series Beast Wars who looked liked the raptors from the first 2 films. So I hoped you all enjoyed it and please remember to review!


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